blonde-haired, blue-eyed pup
so i got conors ipod touch 2nd gen because he got an iphone 3. but 2nd generations cant update enough to support apps anymore. so its only good for music and safari and things like notes and clocks and shit. so, long story short, using tumblr and facebook from safari SUCKS because i cant do half of the things that i want like privately answer an ask or even bold my words or ANYTHING. ugh. its so frustrating. im tired now. rant over.
we went downtown to the adult swim fun house today. so we waited in line for two hours, which sucked. and then they made us go in separately. conor went in first with casey and then me and tommy went in. it was SO LAME. there was a lady inside directing things and she pointed us to a door that lead us straight out. conor and casey went through the whole thing tho. and they got wristbands to go back through and free cups and t shirts. we all got free t shirts at the end, but then casey and conor did it again and got 2 more t shirts and some records. we walked around for a while and the whole time my back and my knee was hurting so bad, but i wasn’t complaining at all. i dunno, it wasn’t a bad day. i got to be outside and get some exercise and spend some time with conor. i just wish i had as good of a time as he did.
but he was very sweet all day. offering to buy me food and stuff and telling me he loved me constantly. because today is our two year anniversary. (that’s another reason why the fun house thing sucked) but when we got home, he snuggled me and gave me weed money. unfortunately, he had to close tonight, but i smoked a lot with chris and casey tonight man. it was a pretty good four twenty. and conor has tomorrow off and he says that it’s our day and he’s gonna take me out to olive garden and snuggle and watch a movie or something. i’m really glad to be with conor. we might not always be on the same page, but he always cares and i’ll always love him. he’s my best friend and my life with him is like a never ending slumber party. i’m really glad that we’ve made it this far and i can’t wait to see where the future takes us.
i feel bad because i’m lazy and unproductive. it’s all about waiting for calls back or emails back or texts back. i feel like there’s nothing i can do. i need a job and a car and money, same problems as always. my dad almost helped. but more than anything, he put this awful guilt in my brain for letting conor “take care” of me. he made me feel like everything was my fault and that i should just, do, better. but, how? how can i keep a job if i’ll pass out? or not have a ride there? but how can i pay for a car without a job? and how can i pay for the doctor without a job? other kids just get it from their parents to help them when they’re first starting out. but no. my parents are in too much debt and just goddamnit. and i hate that typical ‘i’m just gonna blame my parents’ bullshit. but, i mean, fuck.
i’m just tired of having to feel guilty because i can’t contribute to anything. i want so badly to have to work as hard as conor does and worry about my car and take care of HIM. i wish it could be the other way around because i hate having to watch him go through so much.
there is no end for this post~
everyone’s busy leading a real life. going to school and work and hanging out with their friends. and im just here. alone. laying in bed all day every day watching tv and mooching off of conor. i want to start my life, too. but everyone who has all these things also has a car that was free to them. how am i supposed to even know where to start if i have to start everything by myself? all i have is the world’s most supportive boyfriend and a savings account that doesn’t make any sense. aka, someone to mooch off of and 500 untouchable dollars. not to mention that im physically unfit to work any normal teenager’s job.
its just so overwhelming to do better for myself when i have to do everything myself all at once. it’s all about money. WHY DOES MY FAMILY HAVE TO BE POOR
the only thing i’m good at is loving things. i love conor to death, even if i’m not a good provider or whatever. i will say anything to make the people around me laugh or just smile. i dunno, this post is getting kinda gay, but my point is that, why can’t i have a real skill? everyone acts like love is the only thing that matters. that’s how i was raised. but loving something can’t actually accomplish anything.
and neither did writing this post, bye
i have too many feelings to maintain an image.